My Pandora radio stations are getting pretty shitty. It’s either fucking terrible new songs, or songs I like that they play all the fucking time.

I got to put some new photos up on flickr (people still use this) cause the ones on the right are from before Christmas ’11.

I’ve been asked a few times to tell the most epic date story of all time. I know you already are probably thinking ‘Oh, it’s some drunk bitch that vomitted on you and then vomitted on the bar and then everyone in the bar started vomitting because she was vommiting until the floors of the bar we three inches high with vomit. Nah, this is better.

I was talking to this girl on Ok Cupid. She was OK. Nothing crazy to write home about. We ended up going to ‘The Continental’ which is the apex of a mountain of drunk, horny, and retarded NYU college students. Why this bitch didn’t leave right after I suggested going there is beyond me. The fact that suggestion came out of my mouth was purely to get this bitch drunk and see what happened after. jkz

So I’m sitting there trying to trudge my way through a 9/10th vodka vodka soda listening to her talk about how she sells beuaty products from her parent company to small business was absolutely enthralling. I think her official title was ‘Corporate Purchaser II’. What the fuck does that even mean?

She was in the middle of saying something I wasn’t really listening to when the most dramatic life changing event of our time happened – her front tooth literally flew out of her mouth and through some physics trajectory shit the tooth hit my leg and found its final resting place on the floor of the dirtiest underage bar in the city. She immediately put her hand over her mouth and said ‘OMG’. Then I replied ‘…was that your tooth?! How is that even physically possible?!’ Without saying anything else, she asked me if I could help her find her tooth on the floor. Ofcourse being the always gentleman that I am I told her ‘Fuck no’.

At this point she got down on her knees (not in the fun way) and started looking for her tooth. She found it and darted to the bathroom. I was seriously confused. I had a bunch of questions. Was she going to try to reinsert the tooth into the empty bloody socket it came out of? Why is this happening to me? Is the tooth fairy real? When she got back from the bathroom her tooth was back in her skull! I asked her if she was magic. She said she broke her real tooth and had a temporary tooth in until she could afford (lol, the poors) a real… fake one.

Where do you go after that? Where does the date really go? She started talking about some more stupid shit I didn’t care about until her tooth popped out again. At this point I told her ‘Listen, this is fucking weird and awkward and I’m going to leave. Good luck with the tooth.’ And left.

That story will never be beaten, well, I mean that vomiting everywhere one would be pretty fucking awesome, but.

Ah, it feels like spring and 20 days of site inactivity.

So in that past 20 days I have planned a trip to Italy, bought a HD PVR, and bought a GO Pro camera.

I was drunk in a bar like two weeks ago and figured that I have all this money (haha ‘the poors‘) and the time to travel the world – so why not do it. Heather and I booked the trip for June. We’re flying into Venice and back home via Naples. What happens in between? I have no idea. I want to take a boat around Venice, look at art in Florence, take a dick pic near the leaning tower of Pisa, see old shit in Rome, and check out topless bitches on beaches in Naples/Capi. Apparently, you can rent a car for 12 days in Italy for $350. I need to learn how to drive a standard. This also gives me a great excuse to completely ignore my brother on his birthday like he did on mine. But not like I’m bitter.

After spending a shit ton of money trying to get a PVR that actually works, I settled on a Hauppauge HD PVR. It records my BF3 gameplay in 1080i so I can be a complete dork and post youtube game play videos and commentary. It’s something to do. So check out my channel HERE.

I ordered a Go Pro for the Italy trip (4 months in advance). I was checking it out last night. The thing is like the size 3 tic-tac containers stacked on top of each other. I have not seen it in action outside yet, but im my bathroom while filming myself shower in high light, it looked amazing in 1080p. You could really see those pores. Gross.

Tonight I’m going to move around some stuff in my tank and ill test out the waterproof case and see how it handles macro focusing.

Aside from that, my friend is coming to visit this weekend and will not be buying cocaine from an undercover cop!

Lastly, for no reason, MK.com is now more secure! Check out https://www.mattkelly.com and send me your credit card number!

A big part of my recent life has been that I will be 30 years old on February 4th. I could guess that everyone is introspective when they have been alive for 30 years. It’s the leaving the early years of your life behind and the beginning of that slow, uneventful get 40-50 years until you die. It’s got to be fun to literally see your body break down year after year until you are confined to a cane or wheelchair because your legs can not support even your own body weight.

The next part is when you start comparing yourself to others at age 30. Saying to yourself, am I making enough money? Am I where I should be? Am I being lazy and shouldn’t I be better than I am? I think this is by far the best. At least with the body degrading thing you can be in denial. This shit right here, you got to be feeling.

I’ll miss my 20s. Ill miss getting in fist rights at Halloween Parties, cursing out old people, ruining Christmas, girls that will never have sex with me, and a bunch more shit I don’t remember.

I guess I got a good 5 more years until I’m 35. That is the official old age of no return. I got to make the most of this time I have now being young, sexy, and having an amazing fitted shirt collection.

Last Saturday I was going to go to my friend’s house to watch the UFC fights. While I was walking to my car I noticed it wasn’t fucking there anymore. My neighborhood is ghetto as shit, so I was just assuming some I wish I could use racial slurs here person finally just stole it. My car has been keyed, hit, trunk lock busted, and my hood bent since I moved to this fucking place.

I digress, so I called 311 and they told me it was towed. So I took a car to the towing yard and what happened was, it was trash night. These I wish I could use racial slurs here people put their trash all around the fire hydrant and some other guy parked directly in front of it. I saw a spot and parked behind him. Apparently, when this guy moved his car I was four feet away from the Hydrant.

Inside the towing yard waiting room was two I wish I could use racial slurs here women wearing NAS and Jay-Z shirts talking about how they just made the best chicken tetrazzini the night before. After being greeted with ‘Wat u need, hun?’ I was forced to pay $225 for the towing and then $115 for the parking ticket.

Is there some moral to this story? Maybe, every time you park in a ghetto neighborhood in Brooklyn you should sort through the trash before you park, because underneath the rotting food, bed bugs, and empty drug vials there just might be a fire hydrant.

Here is a video I made really quick the other night of my Mini/Maxi Carpet Anemone tank. Music is from the Minecraft soundtrack. Download it!

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Apparently when I say I’m going to post more and add videos I just stop updating. I guess I could talk about Battlefield, UFC, or the slew of side projects I’m working on, but that’s boring. I also have an awesome internet war brewing, but I can’t talk about it. So isn’t that fun?

WATCH THIS VIDEO IN THE MEANTIME OF ME FABRICATING MORE CONTENT!

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Welcome to another year of nothing.

I’ve always been pretty athletic and for the past 4 years I’ve been working out almost every day. The results were great, I looked amazing, I felt great from the added confidence and testosterone. Eating was so simple, same things everyday with slight variations.

I don’t know what happened, but last September I just got bored of it all and stopped going to the gym, or exersizing or caring what I ate. It’s been four months and I gained 15 pounds – 181 to 196. I feel all sorts of disgusting. My face is breaking out, my six-pack is now some type one-pack, and I’ll spare you the poop details – but its not good. Being the new year and with a heightened since of motivation, I am going to aim to get back into that shape in three months. I’m posting my shame on this site as a form of motivation. Now everyone knows I’m a fat ass and lost a good deal of muscle in a quick amount of time. I didn’t think it could happen all in four months. I cant imagine what it would be like if another four months passed with eating and drinking as I have been.

My first goal is 190 pounds by February 1st. Then 180 by March 1st. I’m going to take measurements and a few photos and post them on the site every 15 days (not embedded because that’s awkward and weird). I am planning on going to the gym 3-4 times a week for weight training and running 3 times a week. Losing weight is the easy part, getting the muscle back will take some time.

LET’S DO THIS, FATTIES!

Tenth Christmas/New Years post from mkcom. I went through and read all the posts from the past year. God, what a fucking boring shit year that was. I have incredibly low expectations for 2012.

Dating sucks. After a year of solidy dating in New York City I have learned one thing, it’s fucking terrible. I’ve explained why recurrently throughout the year, so I’ll spare you. Mail order bridges from Paraguay are in my future.

Heather and I started The Crawlers Log with little initial success. Changing the format to short 2 – 3 minute videos sound like a better idea. How is putting a beer in a meat bag to conceal it not funny? Fuck youtube. That night was one of the highlights of my year.

To be honest, I’m just really bored with my life. I go to work everyday. I come home. I play video games. I go to sleep. We can toss in getting drinks at bars with people on the weekends and that’s about it. Half the time I rather just stay home than go outside. Depression is fun! My goal for this year is to start new stuff and see what happens. So descriptive, I know.

MKCOM saw a good year though; almost 70 posts. I also found the lost 2009 posts, so be sure to check out that meaningless shit show. I want to get this site up to 100 posts a year with more pictures/video and real life stuff. I feel like I’m passing over a lot of good content in documenting my life.

So time to create a 2012 hashtag, update the archives, and plan to be more fucking boss next year.

Merry Christmas, fuckers.

You think after knowing some bitch you met on MySpace 6 years ago that you would learn your lesson. I searched this site for references to this girl but couldn’t find any in the sea of past mattkelly posts trying to be all witty. So Let’s do this.

Lynda Deberry (facebook.com/lynda.deberry trolololol) is the most flakey human being I have ever met. She is a liar and a manipulative opportunist. That’s a pretty impressive opening statement, I would just need to add that she drowns kittens and that would make it epic.

I met this girl on MySpace back when I was 22 and trolling for some bitches (I miss the power of MS). She would flake on me literally every time we would make plans and lie just to get free rides places and food (oh the poors). Why would I put up with this? I feel like there is a pretty straight forward and simple answer to that.

Over the next six years I heard from her every once in a awhile. Promises of coming to visit obviously never panned out with her. She once told me that she would let me fuck her and her friend if I paid for their round trip plane tickets and let them stay at my house. After an epic internal battle, I figured the HIV/HEP C was not worth it.

Too much fucking prologue. So Lynda Deberry texts me a few days ago saying that shes in the NYC for xmas. Of course, right off the bat, she asks if she can stay at my apartment. Who plans a trip across the country and doesnt have a place to stay? I told her she could stay just for one night. We made plans to meet at 9PM last night at a bar in Brooklyn. One hour before, I hadn’t heard from her. I texted her and she said her train was at PENN Station 8:40PM, so we say we’ll meet at 10PM instead. She says shes going to get a hotdog (classy), and get on the train to see me. Next thing I know an hour later she’s in Union Square sitting down to dinner with some guy. One hour later she takes the wrong train to meet me finally. She shows up with this Russell Brand look-a-like meth head. Turns out she talked him into coming all the way to Brooklyn with her just so he could then turn around and go back to his meth lab. How noble. It’s the insane time frame of never telling me what is happening unless I ask. To just lie about everything. I had been planning on this, cleaning, canceling plans, and rushing to get home on time. This has been happening as long as I had known her. I have no idea why I thought it would ever be different. Im sure I am not doing justice to how horrible of a person she is and not giving all the details, but trust me, its all bad.

She gets into my apartment and immediately asked to use my shower. I agreed and said she had to leave the apartment the next morning at 8am when I leave. She agreed and went into the bathroom. Literally two minutes pass and she comes out and says her friend is going to come pick her up because she doesn’t want to get up at 8am. Not the fact that she was so excited to see me or she’s only spent a total of 15 minutes hanging out but when she couldn’t get a situation exactly how she wanted it she just bails. Then she has the nerve to ask me if I could drive her three hours to Albany for Christmas. Here are the texts, just keep an eye on the time stamps:

This is where I stop giving a shit. I told her I would drive her. So, Lynda, I know you don’t give a fuck about me or anything associated with me. What I’m going to do is, tell you to meet me in Brooklyn at 7pm Friday night so we can drive to Albany so you can see your family and catch your flight back to the hole you came from. Then I’m going to leave at 6:30 without you. Im going to string you along until you finally figure out I’m fucking you over. It’s going to be the best payback for six years of shit. Stay tuned for all the epic text messages.

Happy Holidays, you fucking cunt.

Tech post!

I recently had to install a wildcard SSL on a Centos/Apache/Cpanel/WHM server. Here is a brief overview of how to get it working after the certification is installed.

You will need to edit your /etc/httpd/conf/httpd.conf file. You will notice that most of the vhosts are set up for :80 and only the main domain will be set up for :443 and have additional SSL enabled. I messed with this for awhile and found that if you put each subdomain on its own IP (create a seperate account for each subdomain in whm you need to include in the SSL cert) it works fine.

So this is my main domains vhost entree:

VirtualHost 1.1.1.1:443>
ServerName nothing.com
ServerAlias www.nothing.com
DocumentRoot /home/nothing/public_html
ServerAdmin webmaster@nothing.com
UseCanonicalName Off
CustomLog /usr/local/apache/domlogs/nothing.com combined
CustomLog /usr/local/apache/domlogs/nothing.com-bytes_log “%{%s}t %I .\n%{%s}t %
O .”
## User readyset # Needed for Cpanel::ApacheConf
IfModule mod_suphp.c>
suPHP_UserGroup nothing nothing
/IfModule>
IfModule !mod_disable_suexec.c>
SuexecUserGroup nothing nothing
/IfModule>
ScriptAlias /cgi-bin/ /home/nothing/public_html/cgi-bin/
SSLEngine on

SSLCertificateFile /etc/ssl/certs/nothing.com.crt
SSLCertificateKeyFile /etc/ssl/private/nothing.com.key
SSLCACertificateFile /etc/ssl/certs/nothing.com.cabundle
CustomLog /usr/local/apache/domlogs/nothing.com-ssl_log combined
SetEnvIf User-Agent “.*MSIE.*” nokeepalive ssl-unclean-shutdown
Directory “/home/nothing/public_html/cgi-bin”>
SSLOptions +StdEnvVars
/Directory>

# To customize this VirtualHost use an include file at the following location
# Include “/usr/local/apache/conf/userdata/ssl/2/nothing/nothing.com/*.conf”
VirtualHost>

SO now say you want your subdomain ‘absolutely’ to work under the nothing.com wildcard SSL cert. You need to edit your httpd.conf and add the following:

VirtualHost 1.1.1.2:443>
ServerName absolutely.nothing.com
ServerAlias www.absolutely.nothing.com
DocumentRoot /home/absolutely/public_html
ServerAdmin webmaster@nothing.com
UseCanonicalName Off
CustomLog /usr/local/apache/domlogs/nothing.com combined
CustomLog /usr/local/apache/domlogs/nothing.com-bytes_log “%{%s}t %I .\n%{%s}t %
O .”
## User readyset # Needed for Cpanel::ApacheConf
IfModule mod_suphp.c>
suPHP_UserGroup absolutely absolutely
/IfModule>
IfModule !mod_disable_suexec.c>
SuexecUserGroup absolutely absolutely
/IfModule>
ScriptAlias /cgi-bin/ /home/absolutely/public_html/cgi-bin/
SSLEngine on

SSLCertificateFile /etc/ssl/certs/nothing.com.crt
SSLCertificateKeyFile /etc/ssl/private/nothing.com.key
SSLCACertificateFile /etc/ssl/certs/nothing.com.cabundle
CustomLog /usr/local/apache/domlogs/nothing.com-ssl_log combined
SetEnvIf User-Agent “.*MSIE.*” nokeepalive ssl-unclean-shutdown
Directory “/home/absolutely/public_html/nothing/cgi-bin”>
SSLOptions +StdEnvVars
/Directory>

# To customize this VirtualHost use an include file at the following location
# Include “/usr/local/apache/conf/userdata/ssl/2/absolutely/nothing.com/*.conf”

/VirtualHost>

This should do it. I think you can still do it using a shared IP, but this is how I’m doing it. It works, so im not fucking with it. Let me know if you have any questions.

I was recently trolling around some old friends on the internet and found my ex-friend/drinkingfriend/person’s band. If you head over to underspinninglights.com (Under Spinning Lights for you google bots) looks like some rogue fan bought their domain name and is promoting the band. They haven’t done anything in about a year according to the site, but at least they have one fan that still likes them enough to post about their updates and whatever. I was a semi-supporter of the band at the time of their heyday playing church basements and <18 venues, so feels good to see them still up and alive posting messages to their fans only on major holidays now.

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Heather hides her beer in a meat strip bag while waiting for the NYC MTA train to come and end a night that should have been over 3 hours before this was filmed.

Can I get a Like for meat?

I need some type of round table discussion on this issue. Are Vegas topless dances hot or awkward?

I’m all for porn and strippers. Why would you bring something awesomely smutty and gross and try to class it up? I’m not watching DP porn because I enjoy the fake plant arrangements in the background, or the chick’s post scene makeup job. When I was in vegas and went to a topless show it was just awkward. I got there early so I was just watching the people pour in. Once I started seeing women as old as my mom walk in, I was getting really uncomfortable. You have the guy that comes in with just the trench coat, the old wheel chair guy, Russian guy, giggly 18 year olds, and the mid-western couple all there to see some tits.

It’s not even hot. They all come out in a little themed outfit and half ass dance to a song and take their tops off. I just dont think it’s hot when B cups (and the one bitche’s fake DDs) are awkwardly bouncing around and making weird shapes. I like tits in three forms: standing, laying down, and on all fours (AMIRITE?!).

Why don’t they just take out the middleman, art. Am I suppose to respect you more because you’re dancing to some theme song with theme clothes on and ‘classfully’ showing me your tits? Shit no, I rather pay $20 to get in a strip club for my illegal Russians.

I have two hours to blow at work. I’m just gonna write a month worth of content. And go.

Heather and I went to Vegas two weeks ago. While there I noticed two things. They only serve shit beer and everyone is trying to sell you something. Well, also, prostitution is legal. I got a bunch of 1×2 cards with naked bitches on them and their phone numbers. How does Vegas allow this? It’s literally a card with one girl eating the other one out. It’s not some fancy artisticly tasteful shot either, its like hardcore ‘OH SO THAT’S WHAT A LABIA LOOKS LIKE!’ shot. I digress.

So we got roped in to some time share time. They offered a free show (ironicly of topless bitches) and $200. I never had been to one, but how bad could it be?
Yeah.

So we get there and got assigned an agent who is this fat fuck who’s name was Dave or some shit. We watch a video about how time and spending it with family is the most important thing ever. The presenter tells us they thought her Mom had cancer so all the time they spent with her was special. But then she said her Mom didn’t actually have cancer, but expensive vacations on the beaches of Prague were the only way to create real true memories with loved ones. Apparently sitting in your backyard pool while your Dad is BBQing for the family is fucking gay. Who wants a gay memory? I don’t.

The presentation gets over and the Fat Dan brings us around to show the empty thriving time share where all the cool people are and important memories are being made around the plastic sofas and faux granite counter tops. In between being fat and making sure he asked how much money we made multiple times, Dan whips out a RAPE JOKE. Like any good salesman, the main pitch should always be followed up with a well formed joke about forceful sexual entry. The ‘joke’ was about an 85 year old man in Vegas that recently got acquitted of rape. Why was he acquitted, Dale? He was too old to get it up, so he just beat her until she was unconscious. Secondary punch line? ‘I guess he should have tired Viagra’.

We continued the tour and finially made it to the final room where they make you sit for ten minutes as the guy’s manager gets set to offer us the price of a lifetime. The offer was ‘only good for today’ and I had to make a $35,000 decision on the spot without researching, comparing, questioning others, or phoning a friend. I straight out told the two that I would not invest that kind of cash without researching every aspect of it. So Dale, in his infinate fat wisdom asks me ‘So why would you go to a time share presentation if you were never going to buy one?’ Darin had an excellent question. I said to him ‘Wow, that was a combative question. I came for the $200 and free tit show, you idiot.’ He then just left and we left to the final dimension of hell, the exit interview room.

I demanded to see his manager and his manager’s manager. I told them about the rape joke and how my ‘wife’ was incredibly offended and distraught because her ‘sister’ had recently been raped. I asked them how could I trust a company when they had sales people joking about this type of disgusting smut. The two managers promised me that he would not be representing them any longer and he had a history of this type of behavior. Poor Dan, I got him fired.

All in all, I got $200, titties, and some fucker named Dave fired. Great day all around.

I went to Brink of Sanity show last friday to do a podcast and then go drink and stuff. Check out the episode below.

Brink of Sanity 155

I took last week off so I could play BF3. A week off just to play a video game? Yeah, I don’t give a fuck about my job and I had the time, so who cares. Anyway, the week consisted of ordering a massive $30 pizza and eating for days at a time while never getting dressed and showering only if I was sweating my balls off too much in my oven of an apartment.

I went to the midnight release in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. I don’t know if you’re familiar, but remember when all those people mentioned ghetto Brooklyn where playas be getting shot? Yeah, that’s where I was. I was waiting in front of a Gamestop with a bunch of other ghetto kids speaking English that I didn’t understand. I fit right in with my side parted straight hair and my $300 fitted European wool coat.

While waiting, some kid behind me started talking to his friends about having to take a piss really bad. What could possibly happen next? The kid walks behind the nearest car on a busy street and just takes a piss on it. Although I did find it funny, I was too busy trying not to get gatted or shanked to laugh.

So the game is fucking amazing. At the end of the week I dropped 32 hours playing.

I’m going to Vegas next week for four days. Gonna be rollin and husslin all day, son.

I posted this as a TCL blog. So why waste creative content? GO!

I feel like I face this question on a weekly basis. When do you actually want what and in what combination. Contrary to popular belief, the don’t mix X with X or you will projectile vomit all over yourself and friends is completely false. I mix these all the time and nothing happens to me except I get wasted. I have a few observational tips that I’ll give you for a night out.

1) Always drink top shelf liquor first.

I love when I’m out and order a scotch or a grey goose after I’ve had 5 drinks before it and can’t taste or remember even having it until I see the $20 drink tab the next day. Thats like 5 happy hour drinks, dude. You got to fucking think about this shit. If you start the night with a Grey Goose or Patron Anejo, you’ll actually enjoy and remember it. Then switch to house vodka the rest of the night. Few years ago I was wasted and told my friend to get me a shot of Grey Goose, he comes back with a shot of water and doesn’t tell me. I made the shot face and everything.

2) Wine is for pussies.

If you go to a bar, and you order wine. You are a pussy. I don’t care if Sally is celebrating getting married or wants to get wasted and fuck the nearest bro, wine is never an option. Every time you order a glass of wine at a bar, people hate you. It’s like nothing else matters, you’re a douche. I’ve been on dates where the girl has ordered a glass of wine and I just say ‘Yeah, good luck with that.’ and leave (Refer to TCL Vanderbilt). You’re at a bar, drink a light beer, or some pussy cocktail.

3)Light beer should only ever be used to slow down.

After a night a hardcore drinking, you still want to drink, but start to sober up enough to drive with that 0.1 BAC of yours. We’ve all been there. In this case, light beer is a great way to slow down and maintain.

Only exception to this is those root of the earth, blue collar working class bros football game days. I get it, you dont want to be drunk watch a bunch of dude running up and down a open field sexing each other to the ground. It’s cool, bro. No homo.

In any case, unless you’re a 110 pound 5’1 female, you can mix and match anything you want without getting too wasted.

I love looking at people from high school on facebook. Time is the ultimate revenge, I feel. Every asshole I hated is now fat and marrying other fat people and having fat kids. It’s like a vicious Type-II cycle of cake and pizza for everyone!

To my main point, I was on facebook just checking up on whatever and this (now incredibly) overweight sow from highschool posted a picture of two teenage kids holding a dead lynched puppy. Of course her footer was ‘OMG THIS IS EVIL’. Her name is Cindy Krasher and hopefully one day she Googles herself and finds this. It’s sad really, she has no idea that by posting this she is legitimizing the image and showing it to hundreds of more people than it needs to be; why would you post an image like that? What reaction do you want? “Oh dude, thats fucked up!” That’s about the extent of anyones reaction. Everyone knows that animal cruelity exisits. Why would you post an image of it? Just as a reminder to donate to the ASPCA or maybe to draw attention from the fact you have gained 45 pounds in 10 years (is 45 being generous)?

In any case, Cindy Krasher, cinful747 on AIM, you should think twice before posting images of dead animals on your public web pages. It makes you look like an uneducated, attention seeking, thoughtless moron. Which isn’t far from the truth, but at least try to hide it.

I went online to Verizon Wireless to see when I could re-up my contract if I switched to them. And, of course, hilarity ensued.

My boss asked me how many days off I have this year to use or else I lose them. Thank god I took Calculus I & II in college to figure out all the worlds complex uses of math in everyday life. Anyway, so after subtracting 3 numbers it seems I have 10 (log10 000000000) days off! I wish I could just hang out with T-Pain on a boat, but I guess I’ll do the next best thing – VEGAS! I am flying on Virgin for four days in November and staying at the Luxor hotel.

I’ve only ever been to Vegas one other time with an ex-girlfriend, so I am assuming this time will be funner than arguing with someone over why I thought brown and black matched, or why she thought black people were lazy. I’m just excited to do two episodes of The Crawlers Log there. OMG SPOILER ALERT for the 0 people that watch the videos!

10 year of nothing is this Sunday. I’m so exited! I’ll probably write some bullshit feelings post and take some morbid pictures. Although a more chillingly happy theme would be more amusing. Guess, you’ll find out in three months when I can be bothered uploading them.

Who’s getting psyched for me to run this 8 mile obsticle course Saturday? I haven’t ran in 2 weeks, nor been to the gym. This is going to be great. I’m obviously still massively in shape and ripped, but I feel like a lazy lump. Im also doing TCL friday night, so I’ll be hung over too! I’m just really trying to make myself pass out so I get a free ambulance ride – just kidding it’s not free.

I also have 10 years of nothing coming up October 8th. 10 long years of mattkelly.com. However I made it this far, it’s time to celebrate this shit somehow that I haven’t thought of yet. Maybe I’ll just post some ‘feelings’ driven E/N bullshit post. Or maybe I’ll even open up the old mail bag and answer some readers questions. So start getting excited for all those ZERO letters from my ZERO readers.

New TCL video up: The Crawler’s Log Episode 7 – Williamsburg

Guest star:
@magicstick737

I just made this 4×4″ sticker for thecrawlerslog.com. My intentions are spamming the shit out of every place I go from now on with one. Bathrooms everywhere will now be TCL approved. If you want a few let me know so I can creep on you once you give me your address.

I normally don’t post shit about work but this is an exception.

There is a karaoke event happening in the near future for everyone in my department. I’m not going because I’ll be away on business. But I just got the following email from one of the high up organizers:

…please treat this NOT as an optional event but a mandatory one. Of course I can’t force anyone to come but please note that it reflects poorly on the department and its people if we are missing without a valid reason. Lets show some team spirit and solidarity…

I can’t wait to go and have mandatory fun! And have my mandatory two drinks for my BAC is a good mandatory level of .04%. Then I’ll be loosened up enough to introduce myself to a mandatory 3.756 co-workers and sing a mandatory 2.16 songs by only approved artists?

Just a tip, if you want to throw a mixer/karaoke thing for co-workers to get to know each other, don’t fucking make it mandatory – thus sucking any fun/unexpected/genuine/organic feeling from the proposed event. The least fun thing I can think of is being told I have to go sing somewhere and have fun or it reflects poorly on my job performance.

I wish I had an epic eye roll gif right now… oh wait.

I wrote some bullshit article five years ago about 9/11 about how Americans are ignorant. I still stand by the factclaim that 99% of Americans are narrow minded idiots that love to give into sensational journalism and over look facts. I mean, fuck, I just don’t believe anything I read for the sheer fact I’m too lazy and don’t feel like fact checking everything.

Anyway, back to this 9/11 ten years later thing. I guess pretty much everyone involved is either dead or hiding in a hole watching American porn. It only cost us five trillion dollars and a total loss of life in the hundreds of thousands or more (US and other) to kill some bullshit terrorists that killed 2,500 Americans. Sounds about right. Who cares if it greatly contributes to the eventual collapse of the entire United States capitalist economy? Who cares, new Dexter starts in a few weeks. That’s all I give a shit about.

To be honest, especially after 10 years, I dont give a fuck about 9/11. It’s more of a bother to hear about it than anything. Do you know what a fucking pain it is to walk by the WTC site everyday is? I get in fights with tourists taking pictures of it, for fun. It’s over, everyone cried. It’s sad. Let’s rebuild and move on. We murdered enough people to make it all better. I have a warm feeling in my heart.

Latest Crawlers Log video is up. Go check it out, Comment/Like/Subscribe, you lazy asshole.

Ive been going through some ways to improve TCL videos. Since I can be candid on this site, I really didn’t like this episode too much. I forgot to eat before it, and had really low energy. Plus I just thought the bars were boring. We’ve been having a really hard time with the lighting. I used to be all into filming back in 2004, but forgot a lot of the basics for night shooting. It’s difficult to go out to a bar in NYC on a Friday night with a 5″x5″ lighting fixture with a diffuser on it. That’s why we can’t film in a bunch of the bars. Plus the pocket HD camera we use has a fixed aperture (f/2.8).

I’ve recently been looking in to alternate post-production filters. What does this mean? It means better video color/quality and an extra two hours of time spent per episode. We’re making the switch from iMovie to Final Cut Pro for all future episodes. TCL Albany is coming up this Saturday night. So we’ll see how the camera filming in low light strategies will improve.

But no one watches it anyway, so who gives a fuck.

Last months most popular mkcom searches. Slightly uninteresting compared to months past.

Last week was pretty annoying with all the over-hyped hurricane bullshit. Although my car was damaged to shit by a twig with four leaves on it, I somehow made it through. I have to say, the worst thing was having to hear people talk about it. Espically with the no event earthquake last week as well. “Oh my god, I was sitting in a chair and I was like “who is kicking my chair?!” But then I realized it was an earthquake! TELL ME HOW YOU EXPIERENCED THE 8 SECONDS OF HELL ON EARTH WHERE HANGING LIGHTS SLIGHTLY SWAYED FOR SECONDS AT A TIME!!!’

I did have a great idea to help women lose weight. Imagine just walking by some fat bitch and saying ‘Oh, congrats on the baby!’ while looking at her massive rolls of stomach fat, then just walking away. I could imagine the emotional effect of a total stranger who seems genuinely happy and excited for you congratulate you for being pregnant when in reality you’re just pregnant with bacon-ators and fried chicken.

Finally, I’ll post a link to the new TheCrawlersLog.com Episode 3 and Episode 4 because I don’t want this page to just be weekly youtube embeds. See, I do love you.

I’ve been tweeting that I am working on a new video blog. It is now time for the reveal.

The Crawler’s Log is a vblog where my friend Heather and I go to five bars in one night, and have one drink per bar. Then we say stupid shit while we’re drunk and film it. Please take a second to ‘Like’ and subscribe to us on Youtube. It really helps us out to get our name out there.

Keeping up the extreme sports stint, I’m running the Spartan Race next month. Just so you don’t have to endure the highly epic intro video, this is a 8+ mile run filled with real obstacles. Not the shit obstacles that Warrior Race had – ‘OMG I HAVE TO ROLL OVER A LOG IN MUDDY WATER? I HAVE TO CLIMB OVER A FORD F-150?! I CANT EVEN FTLFML’. I think these obstacles are like running a 30 pound boulder a half mile while walking on the backs of immigrant workers.

Only issue is, I can only run like three miles on a treadmill before I have to take a break. So, to combat this, I’ve been running every other day and mixing in interval training. I only need to be able to run eight miles on uneven terrain. Sounds so easy.

Sunday I went to the Warrior Dash in Windham, NY. It was everything I would expect, except the first mile was strictly uphill. I’m not talking, or look there is a hill with a cow on top. I am talking it was one mile up a mountain, with mountain terrain. I made it about 20 seconds jogging until not doing a lot of cardio caught up to me. The total race was 3.2 miles, and I ran the flat and downhill parts easy.

Anyway, here is the REMIXED video of the event.

This is the best shirt of all time.

Is it amazing that I get 3,000 unique visits a month? To me it is, but it’s probably from all the people searching for ‘xxxbiganalsex’ and ‘suicide gifs’, or ex-girlfriends – yeah, fuck you.

Anyway, I signed up for the Warrior Dash on August 14th in Windham, NY. It’s pretty much a 3.2 mile obstacle course with fire, barbed wire, mud slides, and booze. I have no idea how this can be even remotely safe, but that’s exactly why I’m doing it. The only time left was 8:30am, so that should be fun. I got my new pocket video camera for my super secret new video blog, so I’ll cut up a video of the event and post it.

CONTENT!

I saw the last Harry Potter last weekend. I don’t understand some of the logic in the movie. Like, when Voldy cast that death spell (first time) on HP and it bounced off his mom and hit Voldy, why did it take YEARS for Voldy to recover with aid of the horcrux? When Voldy killed HP (second time), he went to a magical train station for about 5 seconds real time, then he was alive and 100% again. I know he couldn’t be killed because Voldy was HP horcrux, but how could he recover so fast? HOW DID IT HAPPEN, WORLD?!

My new side-project blog finished filming episode one two weeks ago. We’re filming episode two tomorrow night. It’s mildly difficult to amp up my personality to deliver super funny banter constantly, but we’ll see what happens. All will be reveled soon. THANKS, ALCOHOL.

@ryanoconn: How To Date Someone In 2011 bit.ly/pysDWN

This is a pretty terrible article. I will explain why.

Let me just start out by saying the author is a 24-year-old male – doesn’t that just sell my opinion right there? Oddly enough the article isn’t actually about ‘How to date’ at all. I don’t have a one of those always impressive to everyone ‘English Lit’ degrees that I could use to get a job at a local kinkos. But I like to think that even without that I know enough that if you’re going to title an opinion piece as a ‘how-to’ it should actually be about ‘how-to’. It shouldn’t be some redundantly boring eight paragraph diatribe about how dating is so hard. I just shed an emo tear for you - imagine me doing so.

I’ve obviously been bitching about how much I hate dating, but I feel I have legitimate reasons. Let’s see, RYAN O’CONNELL, what are your reasons? Why would you Gchat with someone you never met? Let alone Video chat with them? Who does that? I thought after the age of 21 people just used skype to watch each other masturbate. Maybe the reason this method is failing for you and others is because you’re doing it wrong.

I don’t see why in 2011 there is some new frontier of the dating landscape. I agree that Texting/Twit/Tumbl/R/Gchat have changed the game a bit, but didn’t the invention of the telephone do they same? Do you think back in the late 1800′s single people everywhere were like ‘Now I have to call this bitch on tele-phone AND fight in the Civil War? Fuck bro.’ I had a similar joke about the telegraph and the French Revolution of 1830, but you get the point.

For all those of you who couldn’t be fucked to read his literary abortion, here is an excerpt.

All of these forms of communication have made us have no responsibility or ties to anyone. We can come in and out of someone’s life as we please because we’re not actively involved in it. We don’t see them in their apartment cooking dinner or socializing with friends or reading a book. We just see their name pop up on Facebook chat. We owe them nothing. Furthermore, they owe us nothing. In the back of our minds, we know all of this. After all, it takes two to tango. But we find ourselves in these weird dating situations all of the time. We want something “real” so we go somewhere “fake” to get it.

I totally agree with you on this – when I was 24 and thought drinking until I vomited on my friend’s Mom was funny. What do you expect after a few dates with someone, RYAN O’CONNELL? Do you want a sad heartfelt letter with a wax stamp on it and a tear still moist on the signature? If you want something ‘real’ then get the fuck off of your computer and go find it. I date online, sure. I send about four messages to a person then ask them out for a drink. I know you just turned the legal age for drinking, so you can give this a go also. Then if you like the person you can send one single text message to set the next date up and that’s it.  END.

I was going to keep going, but who fucking cares really? Apparently only you since you deleted my comment from your internet blog. So good luck out there RYAN O’CONNELL, Don’t stop believin’!

This fucks my template, but whatever.

I really never thought I would say this. In fact, I know I would never say this, but here goes. I am going to become a vegetarian.

So before you say ‘Matthew, you are the coolest rough and tumble dude I’ve ever known in my entire life! WTF’ Let me explain the reasons.

I just want to say, I love meat, and meat products. If they could make meat shaped vegetables, I’d totally eat them. I couldn’t care less about how they kill chickens or cows. I was/am an elitist bitch and only ate free range chicken anyway.

I’m doing it to try and get down to 185 (to start). I’ve been about 192 for the longest time and cant seem to get below that no matter how hard I try. Why do I care about ~7 pounds? I have always had the thought that you are only in your twenties once. You will never look as good as you do in that age range. Why not see how you can look at the very peak of your physical prowess?

Also, why not? It’s something new and interesting to try out. I’m really bored with eating meat for two meals a day. We’ll see what happens, I am going to start this next Sunday. I’m doing the pesco vegetarian diet. So I can eat fish, eggs, and whatever else that is not meat.

LET THE GREAT EXPERIMENT BEGIN! 

I went to the DMV yesterday. Apparently three months ago when I was pulled over for an ‘improper signal‘ /SLASH/ ‘ARE YOU DRUNK? CAUSE YOU’RE WHITE IN A BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD. SO YOU LIKE HAVE TO BE!’, the officer let me go with a warning, but he actually entered the ticket in the system. I don’t know if any of you have been to the Brooklyn Atlantic Mall, but I’m sure you’d rather slam a pencil through your eye socket.

First of all, the DMV is in a fucking mall. It’s as if the city was like ‘Yeah, we might as well just accept we’re ghetto as shit and install a DMV next to the abortion of retail that is the Atlantic Mall’s Target’. Secondly, I’ve been to Manhattan DMVs where you are in and out in 15 minutes. The people that work in Brooklyn are city workers in their purest form. They dont give a shit. They can’t be fired because they’re in unions, they have no incentive to work hard because they will never be promoted unless someone leaves, or is murdered. They have no ambition what-so-ever.

I digress. So I get there and they have two massive rooms with around 200-300 people in each room. No signs. No info booth. No agents around to help you. I had to look around for a random cop to ask what was happening. Apparently the 400-600 people in the two rooms were there to register a vehicle or do whatever with the ownership of one. The cop told me it takes about three hours to talk to a teller. If you don’t have every single form you need, you have to go back to the end of the line.

Anyway, I had to go to yet another section of the mall to the Violations Room and wait 30 minutes so the judge could say ‘You wanna plead not guilty? Ok, your date is October 20th. Next please’. Apparently they make it so you have to plead not guilty in person so people just eat the fines and points to make more money. <3 NYC

So glad I wasted my life there. If anything, I now know to make triple sure I use my signal and not run lights.

Unrelated, My brother’s wedding was last weekend. It was actually really fun. I thought it would be horrible. I’ll put some photos on flickr.

These are the Top Searches for mattkelly.com so far this month. I love the kind of searches that attract people to this site. Do you like lesbians that shit and then other lesbians eat it and then subsequently vomit it? Then this is the site for you.

I’m taking over my friends blog for a week or so. This can be found here. Hopefully this will bring my readership from 2 to maybe 4. I can always hope.

Also, thanks to whomever convinced me I should give Twitter another try. Let’s see what happens. FOLLOW ME!

I’m finally going on vacation next month to Bermuda! The last time I was on vacation it concluded with a very small Mexican man watching me have sex in my hotel room through a nearby window. I think he was carrying a rake, I still don’t understand why.

No planes, only boats. I’m taking a week-long cruise. Granted, I’ll be playing ‘I’m on a boat’ by Lonely Island constantly. This is a massive Norwegian cruise ship with tennis courts and all that shit I won’t use. Although I do absolutely love communal hot tubs. Ever wonder what swimming in randimals shit, piss, skin, and other sexual transmitted diseases feels like? Well, sit in a hot tub on a cruise ship or an old people’s home in Florida. You really think chlorine kills everything? But anyway, it’s seven days and I’ll be uploading pictures, and maybe ‘tweeting’ if I feel like using that pointlessly annoying social media platform to send out vague, formless, amorphous messages to no one.

On the bright side, I’ve also decided to kill this site on Sunday, July 10th. Not forever of course, but at least for the time it takes me to find/start a new job. So weeks, a month, two months, I’m not sure. I’ll still write and queue stuff up for when I get back, but until then, nothing.

After 10 years, and a shit ton of stuff happening, I have reached 500 posts!

It’s pretty awesome that it’s lasted this long. It was tough in the middle there for awhile with long periods of nothing (ha) and 2009 seemingly not existing, but we persisted! No bullshit little one sentence ‘tweets’ but actual content noone cares about. That’s how I roll. E/N forever!

Pressing forward, does anyone else find it hilarious how adding a emote to an insult somehow makes it ok?

Girl1: OMG I got like so wasted last night. All I remember is the party, then a coconut, and I was in some dudes bed naked!
Girl2: Oh! You’re such a fucking stupid whore. Why do you even still talk to me? ; )
Girl1: LOL I KNOW RIGHT?! BESTIES! : ): ): ): ): ): )

I love how with the retarded emote, there is some veil of teasing that probably doesn’t really exist. You can use it and always hide behind the “oh cmon, i was just kidding, bro!”, even though you’re being a snarky asshole on purpose.

Also, anyone referring to wine as ‘vino’ is my mortal enemy. I’m not joking.

I’ll keep this brief. I’m going to be looking for a new job soon. I’d go into the reasons, but I rather wait until I have a new job, or if ever.

The short-term fate of mk.com hangs in the balance. I always said that I would shut this site down for the duration of the job search. That blows since my readership is finally picking up again. No, I’m just kidding, no one still reads this.

So any ideas? I could make take the site off line, but google has it’s cache of the site if they search for mk.com. Time to google myself.

My friend recently posted about her disenchantment with the online dating world. I agree with her sentiments and I’d like to add my own thoughts of why I’d rather set my cat on fire than attempt online dating again.

It has to be one of the most awkward and annoying experiences you’ll ever have to deal with. So after you answer around 75 questions about yourself, ranging from “Do you smoke?” to “On average, about how many animals do you sacrifice on a monthly basis?” it’s time to start your adventure! Online dating is awesome in that it’s like high school all over again. You can discount people because they have a hair line that is .0000001cm (yeah, metric, bitch) too high, or they have the wonky eye. It’s so easy to view a static photo of a person and pick every small aspect of them apart. I feel like that is a form of elitism.

When finally you find someone who looks half way decent, you read their profile. Let’s be honest, no one gives a fuck about your name, what you do, what you think about any random subject unless you’re attractive to the other person. I love reading profiles. What a cluster fuck that is. It’s really to show the opposite sex two things about your person as a whole.

1. You’re a boring boring waste of mitocondria. You work as an administrative assistant in midtown. Your current interests include, but are probably limited to: fun, laughing, traveling, food, water, cardboard, chap stick, and your miniature plastic sword collection.

or

2. You’re a complete whore.

Tough choices all around. Once you find someone in between its time to send an equally as boring and mundane message. What interesting, witty thing can you come up with after reading the worst piece of shit excuse for a self description you’ve ever read?

“Hey, I like fun too. You like to collect tiny plastic swords? Yeah, that sounds really cool. Would you like to get a drink to discuss it further along with your love of fun and travel?”

Assuming she gets back to you with an equally droll message, it’s off to the first date! What worse way to meet someone than at a shitty bar where you have nothing to talk about? Although, this girl I know went on a first date with a guy at iHop. That had to be cardiac attacking-ly awesome. Just thinking about having to ask someone how many siblings they have, or what type of laywering they do makes me want to punch a cat. The actual chances of you meeting some cool is about 3.2%.

It’s just so much bullshit you have to put up with for little to no gain. Once you hit your late 20′s, it’s really not about the hookup or short term relationship anymore – especially with women. So when you go out on a date with someone, it’s not casual. It’s like ‘I JUST MET YOU, BUT COULD I PUT UP WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE? I GUESS I’LL DECIDE IN THE NEXT 45 MINUTES’ It’s a lot of pressure for everyone involved and just really not fun – at all.

Moral of the story? Who cares, fuck it.

Well if you hadn’t already heard, Christians everywhere are declaring the Zombie Apocalypse this Saturday, time unknown.

I actually have been giving this serious consideration. I need an exit plan… and guns. I was thinking about going with H&K MP5K SMG, samurai sword, and dual Desert Eagle combo. With the katana on my back and the dual DE’s on my chest, I think I’d be ready. I just need about $35,000 to purchase these.

So in reality, I guess I would start out with a hammer. Not very effective for more than a 1v1 engagement. Upgrading that to a bat or sword would be optimal. I could do fine with a katana only actually. Depending on how it played out, I could get some guns off the dead Marines as the zombies overthrew the city. But more realistically, if I could actually get on a highway or something, I’d like to drive to Long Island (with my sword) and hit up some ammo shops/liquor stores. Then steal a boat. Zombies can’t swim.

What are you guys doing for the Zombie take over Saturday? I’m actually hitting up Botanica – with the katana on me.

On the real, son.

Tryouts for beach volleyball were tonight. I skipped the last two seasons of indoor because it was pretty boring. I felt obligated to stay on the same team, but it was falling apart and everyone was starting to secretly hate each other. Plus I tried to go out with three girls on their team and one of their room mates. OOPS!

I just really hate those stupid human emotions of ‘What if i’m alone the whole time? What if no one picks me? What if no one talks to me?’. I always tell myself that it will be well worth all the anxiety. It’s a really nice open court in Tribeca. When I got there and changed, I noticed a girl that I had spoken to last year that played on another team. I went over and kind of talked my way into playing on her team. Seemed a lot of people knew each other that I was playing with – so we just created a team. Yeah, it’s seriously that easy. I had a good time playing again, and I just like being outside with human beings instead of stuck in my windowless apartment of doom.

I digress, who cares about volleyball – SO ABOUT THIS GIRL. She’s really cute, outgoing, and she’s my preliminary pick for ‘girl-im-going-to-try-to-date-on-my-team’. But there is always a catch, and this one is unfortunate.

She looks exactly like Danielle.

Yeah, I’m not talking about kinda, sort of, maybe a little looks like her. She has the same face, same body type, same height, same mannerisms. What the fuck am I suppose to do? If I actually try for this girl, will it be some weird second chance in my sub-conscience mind with Danielle? Will I just be constantly comparing her to… her? Will I at some point accidentally call her Danielle? There is a part of me that says fuck it, just forget about trying. Then another part that is throughly interested in how this will manifest itself and ultimately play out.

Oh well, how ever this turns out, it’s at the very least interesting. Here goes.

EMO SONG POST REFERENCE!

I’m even annoyed by that last post.

So, I’ve spent the last week trying to get my place clean and setup. This reef tank thing is a huge time sink. SURPRISED?

I could tell you about my visit to the local hardware store, but I’ll spare you from that thrilling story. I’ll post when I have something to say.

I’ve spent the last three weeks getting my apartment in order. It’s the most annoying task I’ve ever come across. I painted, constructed the huge Ikea entertainment center, and a bunch of other stupid shit. It sucks because things have to be done in a certain order. I think I have about another week atleast until it’s complete. Then on May 14th I’m having a house warming party that no one is going to come to. Score. Here is a shot of the Ikea thing newly put together:

Other than that, absolutely nothing has been going on. Nothing aside from the mystery of why my neighbors are fucking constantly screaming as loud as they can at 11pm at night. I smell confrontation!

I had one of the worse weekends of my life last week. Moving has been a complete nightmare from start to finish. The story includes 3 damaged vehicles, homeless Mexicans, and Giraffee.

Faced with the immense amount of moving I had to do, I decided to take my father up on his offer to help. During the whole ordeal I managed to get in several verbal altercations. It was pretty funny. Some guy wanted me to pull the ramp back in the truck and move it just so he didnt have to walk around the truck. I just looked at him and said ‘Seriously dude, are you fucking kidding me? No.’

Writing this a week after it happened, I care less and less about write it in detail.

Driving the UHAUL trunk was shitty. I hit a SUV, another moving van, and then when I went to drop off the truck at night (noone was around) I cut the turn into the place too short and pretty much took off the front end of another UHAUL truck. I picked up all the broken glass and threw it over a fence to hide the evidence. My dad saw it as he drove his car behind me. He just got out and was like ‘Holy shit, you just destroyed that truck!’ So I immediately thought ‘HIDE THE EVIDENCE AND PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED.’

The next day, I had to paint my Astoria apartment back to ‘China White’ from ‘White’. “Wait, white to white? Wtf?” Exactly. My friend Ron agreed to help me out. I really didn’t want t do this so I had the idea of going to Home Depot and hiring a Mexican to come in and do it for us. I was going to give them $50 each and call it a day. So when we got there we walked around and I saw two Mexicans standing around and ask them if they were looking for work. They say something that might have been a yes and started coming with us to Ron’s car. As we were driving to my apartment I thought to myself, these guys look pretty dirty and kind of smell. Then I glanced over and saw one of the guys take a mustard packet from his pocket and proceed to eat it. Yes, he ate a fucking mustard packet straight. At this point is dawned on me – I had picked up two homeless guys to paint for me.

When we got back they started painting and did a fucking piss poor job. Which is to be expected because they are bums. I guess painting was another one of those many many many skills they never mastered – hence why they are fucking homeless. So they did their shit for about an hour and I had had enough. It might have been the faint smell of the fecal matter probably caking the inside of their pants or because I didn’t have my switch blade on me – but I finally asked them to just get out of my sight. I gave them $40 and said ‘VAMOS!’ They gave me a look and just left. I watched them from my window slowly disappear into the sun set of Astoria Park.

Anyway, I’ve been in the apartment for a little over a week now and just started painting. I need to finish that then build a IKEA wall unit and stuff. More updates later.